Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize