You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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