Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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