Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I still have a little drunk in my system
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
