You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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