I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
