If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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