hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
