white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
