you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
