Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
