Define "chronic" masturbator.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
