The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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