i wish my penis had a tongue
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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