he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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