I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
