nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
