There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
