My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
