i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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