the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
