i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
