I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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