You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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