I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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