you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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