You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I supernannyed him into submission
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