12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
