Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Randomize
