what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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