I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize