woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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