I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
