I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
