We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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