You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
