and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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