Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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