thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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