I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
