I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
