filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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