Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
