why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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