Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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