my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
