Me. At least after what I've been through.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
