I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I need to align my fucking chakras
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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