Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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