Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
