Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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