it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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