why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
