Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
