the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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