I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
