Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
