she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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